It's okay
by Cristinkn
Summary: Augustus watches how his loved ones cope with him being gone.
1. Chapter 1

You see, this wasn't what I wanted.

In my funeral, Hazel didn't read the eulogy she prepared before. Instead, she said some speech I haven't heard.

It was a lie. All of those words.

I'm not as great as she made me seem to be.

Was. I was not as great.

It's still hard, you know? I'm still getting used to changing the 'is' to 'was' when talking about myself.

The hardest thing though, is watching them from here.

Mom and Dad are devastated, of course. Mom just stares at the window, and often she doesn't eat. Dad is having difficulties at work - he always goes to the bathroom and cries quietly there. Sometimes, I do the same there with him.

Isaac takes out his anger on things. He has already broken three walls, five book shelves and counting. He won't stop, he can't stop. He already went to the hospital thirteen times just because of his broken knuckles.

Though the good thing about this whole thing, it's his face when he sees how fast his hands heal everytime I touch them.

I wish he knew.

And Hazel. Oh, Hazel, my love. I can't even begin. I would tell you some cheesy story about how she goes to my grave everyday and talks to me and gives me gifts and cries and cries and cries for her lost love.

She does the exact opposite.

She hasn't visited me in a while.

I haven't seen her cry.

She spends her time with her family and friends. She laughs often. I've seen her dance. I've seen her sing. She is having a great time.

The only way I know she really isn't is when she stares at the picture of us the day we threw eggs at the car.

She just stares, with that sad look in her eyes, and goes to sleep.

Maybe she's trying to pretend she's happy again? That she had moved on? Or that it doesn't bother her at all?

I don't know.

But I wish she would show her true self.

Especially now.

You see, she met a boy.

He is tall, handsome, athletic and cancer-free.

...Not as handsome as me but you get the picture.

I wish she would just...you know, live. Actually live, not pretend.

But something that I wish more than anything…

...It's saying okay one more time.

But, I guess, that's just okay.


	2. Chapter 2

"Hey, you shit, how _dare_ you eat my chocolate?" Issac said, smiling the whole time. "You know, if you wanted some I could have given it to you. But no, Augustus Waters just _had_ to eat it all."

"Yep." I nod, licking the remains of chocolate on my fingers. "Go big or go home."

"Fuck you, Gus."

"No, but thank you."

"I meant _figuratively."_

_"_Be specific next time." I wink at him and he just laughs.

"Seriously, stop eating them, you always do that!" He jokingly pokes me with his elbow. "Greedy little shit."

"Chocolate freak." We both laugh at our lame insults, and go out to buy some more chocolate.

Just my best friend and I.

* * *

Issac bought a box of chocolates today again. He hasn't touched them yet.

"Hey," I tell him. "That's a waste of really good chocolate, you know." But he can't hear me. Or see me.

His black glasses hide any emotion he may be showing.

But here's the thing - I can feel it. Somehow, in this spirit form I am in, I can _sense_ it.

What he is feeling right now makes my body go weak.

His body is tense. He is just staring at nothing, waiting, as if something...as if _someone_...was about to do something big.

"I..." He starts but his voice breaks. "I-I..."

Why are you crying, Issac?

Come on now, eat them. I heard chocolate always cheers you up.  
Please.

Eat them.

"Augustus..." I inhales deeply. "I don't know...if...you are here or not, but fuck it."

He's clenching his teeth, his hands on a fist, his body slightly shaking. All at once.

What are you trying to do?

"Gus...you know how I always got mad at you for eating my chocolates? There were times where...I wouldn't get as mad, but, it always did bother me. And you know what?"

What is it, Issac?

"I wish I hadn't spent those times fighting with you over..." He laughs bitterly. "Over chocolate. It all seems stupid now."

It really was. Once it even got physical.

But what can I say? You were really overprotective over your sweets.

And I was a little shit, like you said.

"I would buy you all the chocolate you want now, you know? I even went out and bought the most expensive chocolate I could find. Just...just so I could see you again." He stopped for a moment, trying to muffle his sobs. "Ah, shit. Can't believe I just made a joke about my disability again."

You idiot.

"I hope you are laughing cuz that was some good ass joke. Just sayin'." He sighs. "Anyways, I...I miss you. I miss you and your stupid hunger. I miss you and your chocolates. I miss you and your cigarette. I miss you, man, and I would give anything to have you back."

I know, Issac. I would do the same.

"And I just-!" He's sobbing now. "I..." He's trying to calm himself down by breathing slowly. "I...I wish I got more time with you. I know it sounds selfish, but now, more than before, I want you to be here and steal all of my sweets. I want you to laugh when you see my face when I realize they are all gone. I want you here, Gus, I want you here. It just...it just doesn't feel like I got to say goodbye, you know? It wasn't enough."

He walks towards a sofa and sits there. I walk there with him and sit beside him.

He chuckles a little and I look at him askew. "No homo, but I love you, Gus."

I laugh with him. Of course, Issac, my heterosexual love for you is as deep as yours.

"I hope you are in a better place. Or if you aren't, I hope that, wherever you are, you get to see us again."

Thank you.

"Oh, and by the way, you got what you wanted after all."

I arched my eyebrow at him. And what could be?

"You left your scar, Augustus. Not widely, but deeply. A deep, deep scar that'll be hard to erase."

I feel my body get tense at his words.

"We can try, but that'll be impossible. Someone like Augustus Waters is hard to forget."

Not like anyone can forget the beauty of my face, Issac. I'm gorgeous.

"I just ask of you to wait for me, okay? Learn about the world you are in so I'm not lost when I get there. I don't know if I'll still be blind or not, but if I'm with you that doesn't matter much."

What's this? A love confession?

"I know what you are thinking. I said 'no homo' earlier so wipe that smirk off of your face."

Rude.

"And well, to end this...I just...miss you. That's all. I hope I get to see you again one day."

I hope so too, Issac. I hope so too.

* * *

**A/N:** Thank you to all the ones who reviewed! It made me really happy. :) I'll post the next one tomorrow. Thank you for reading and don't forget to review! 3


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **I was listening to "love & loss" by Mattia cupelli while writing this. If you want, go ahead and listen to it while you read. :)

* * *

"We need the money-" Mom insisted. She's at the verge of tears.

"NO! We won't - we can't. Period." Dad yelled at her.

They are discussing about me. Again.

It seems that even after I'm gone I'm still the cause of their troubles.

"Please...listen to me," Mom breathes in. "Gus is not here with us anymore-"

"You think I don't know that?!" Dad snaps. "There hasn't gone a day when I don't think about him!"

"I know! I _know!_ So, please, just listen to me this once!" Mom is crying now. "We have to let it go. We...we have to accept he's gone and there's no going back."

Dad sighs and stands still, not knowing what to say next.

Dad, listen to her, please. I don't want you guys to fight anymore.

"I just..." He starts, his voice breaking. "I just want his belongings here with us so I can go to his room and remember the times we spent together. That's all I want. I just want our memories." Dad breathes in deeply, trying not to cry. He has always being that type of person. "That's all I have left of him."

Mom is crying louder this time.

I'm sorry. Please, don't cry. You can sell my stuff, I don't mind. Sell it all. They weren't as important anyways, so, if it makes you happy, if it makes you two to stop fighting, then go ahead. Take it.

But please don't cry.

"I'm sorry." Mom sobs. She walks towards him and hugs him tightly. He hugs her back just as hard.

"I'm sorry, too."

"I'm so sorry, love."

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Let's not fight again like this. He wouldn't like it."

Dad smiles at her, not minding the tears falling down his face. "Yeah, he wouldn't like that."

Mom smiles back at him and kisses him on the lips. "I love you."

Dad leans and kisses her again. "I love you too."

I walk towards them and join them in their hug.

"I'm sorry, dad, mom." I tell them. I'm crying too. "Please don't fight again."

Mom and dad both look at each other, and hug again.

"Gus..."

I look up at my mom.

"Augustus, darling, we're sorry."

"We're so sorry, son. It won't happen again." Dad tights his grip on mom. "Never again."

It takes me a while, but I smile at them.

Maybe I imagined it, but they smiled back at me.

And, just behind my dad's head, there was a picture of us together, on the wall.

Oh, what I would give to be back with them.

I'm sorry. For being gone.

I'm sorry. For having cancer.

I'm sorry. For not taking care of myself.

I'm sorry.

I'm just so sorry.

* * *

**A/N:** Are you sad? Cuz it made me kinda sad what I just wrote. ;-;  
Thank you for all the reviews!  
Sending cyberhugs to you guys too 3  
Thank you for reading!


End file.
